Dear Europe,

I know that we’ve had our ups and downs. Yes, we had a few squabbles and some bickering, a couple of World Wars and the whole Freedom Fries debacle, but we’ve had our good times, too. And I know that you like to make fun of Americans these days because of our weight, or our president or whatever. But you know what? You ain’t perfect, either. We both have our problems, and I’d just like to propose a contract. That’s right. An agreement between us and you. Quid Pro Quo. We do some things, you do some things. And if we both fulfill our ends of the bargain, the world will be a happier place. Deal? So–here’s what we’ll do:

  • Stop eating so much crap. I know we’re fat. We’re working on it. Sorry.
  • Stop shooting and blowing stuff up all the time. So we have an anger management issue or two. We’re going to counseling.
  • Stop being such obnoxious tourists. I apologize about the matching T-shirts, really I do. I don’t know what some of my countrymen are thinking sometimes.

In return, this is what I’d like from you:

  • Stop smoking so much. Yeah–you. The mom lighting up while she’s holding her baby. Quit it.
  • Be nicer to tourists. I’m sorry we’re always running around and taking pictures of stuff. But lighten up.
  • Stop bagging on our politicians. Yeah, some of them stink. But they’re OUR politicians. I don’t make fun of your politicians. True, that’s because I don’t know who they are. But still . . .

That’s a good start for now, I think. If we can reach some common ground, life will be ever so much happier. Right?

Love,

America

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