It came to my attention this morning that a sinister force is at work in the world. A force trying to undermine the very basis of our value and belief system. A force so evil–so nefarious–that it would launch an attack at one of the shining beacons of the American Way.

I speak of course, of PETA.

That’s right, PETA–I’m lookin’ at you. Has anyone else seen this article? PETA wants to have Punxsutawney Phil be replaced by an animatronic groundhog. A robot woodchuck! A cyborg whistlepig. Well you know what, PETA? I want you replaced with a gigantic chocolate fountain that spews forth ooey gooey chocolatey goodness 24/7 instead of the crazed ravings of a bunch of nutjobs. They want to release Phil into the wild? Clearly PETA has an idealized view of the life of a wild groundhog.

Upon release from his cozy home, Phil would last all of three seconds before he was either devoured by rabid wolves, or frozen into a popsicle. What’s next? The Easter Bunny replaced by a fat man in a rabbit suit?

You’re a disgrace, PETA. A disgrace!

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